Missing Out
by Pomtree97
Summary: Beca finally accepts that she is attracted to Chloe after a very gradual process of realization, but makes the mistake in the heat of the moment of kissing Jesse. Chloe sees this and gets upset. When Beca tries to comfort her will hidden feelings be brought up? Some Ambrey mentioned sorta kinda, and Chaubrey. Possibly Triggering in later chapters
1. ICCA's Afterparty

**Long story short I spent most of my morning reading fanfics regarding this ship and now I feel like I have to contribute because it's absolutely perfect and I love it so much and asdfghjkl; I just can't even handle it.**

I hadn't even noticed my attraction to Chloe. It was a very very gradual thing. It really sort of crept up on me, as if one day I had thought of her as the peppy redhead that harmonized with me in the shower, the next she was the one person that somehow snuck her way into my mind and wouldn't leave. Once I finally discovered the feelings and determined what they were, it took an even longer time to accept them and realize they really weren't going to just go away. Because Chloe was perfect. I adored everything about her - the red hair, the breathtakingly beautiful eyes, her voice, and her overall contagious happy demeanor.

Jesse was really just an inconvenience. And I know that sounds mean but it's true. He was constantly around and it seemed almost like whenever I was having an internal debate with myself on my feelings of Chloe he showed up. I remembered when he first showed me the ending of The Breakfast Club and tried to kiss me, I suddenly received a flashback from Chloe on initiation night when she grabbed both of my hands and pulled me close, claiming we would be "fast friends". Lets just say that was definitely enough to get me to pull away fast.

The night of the ICCA's was confusing to say the least. I was plagued with guilt from having yelled at Jesse and led him on, ignored him really, and that just gave me an overwhelming feeling that I needed to make it up to him. It was obvious that he liked me. He had made that very clear since day one. The uncertain thing was if I liked him or not. I still wasn't sure. After our performance which I had used my solo to apologize with, I was just so happy because we were so great, it was just overwhelming. So I ran to him. And I kissed him. And that was probably an enormous mistake in the long run.

Afterwards I went backstage with the Bellas, somehow managing to get away from Jesse. Chloe was distant then. Very very distant. She didn't even look my way, which hurt far more than anything else I had ever experienced in my life. That didn't help my already conflicting feelings either. She didn't speak to me. But she was absolutely ecstatic towards everyone else, exchanging hugs, congratulations, praise on their performance, etcetera. Yet she walked right by me. At one point she stood directly at my side and I just stared at her, my mouth agape but unable to form words. She was killing me and she didn't know it. Or did she?

I needed to talk to her. I just had to. Had she seen the kiss? No, that wouldn't explain her behavior. She didn't think of me that way, the feelings I felt for her weren't mutual. But that would mean she was upset with me for some other reason. Either way I needed to find out what I had done wrong.

Fat Amy invited us back to her friend's place, some rich frat boy who was away for some reason. We all went there, Aubrey taking the trophy with her. I had to say goodbye to Jesse and he made sure to fill it with kisses and hugs, ones which I wasn't as responsive to as the first one I initiated.

Fat Amy's friend's place was huge. She led us into a soundproof basement although I was pretty interested in the rest of the amazing mansion. The basement was redone and had a sound system which Amy blasted at basically top volume. There was also an abundance of alcohol and red plastic cups, the usual requirements for a celebration. Everyone started dancing and drinking and laughing, Aubrey not letting the trophy go once. It was fun. For a minute or two I might have even forgotten about the tension I felt whenever Chloe was nearby. What had I done?

It was only an hour or so into our celebratory party that I realized Chloe had left. She wasn't in our crowd on the dance floor or taking a break on the couches against some of the walls. I set down my drink which was basically full since I wasn't too interested in getting drunk and walked upstairs, thankfully not being noticed by anyone.

"Chlo?" I called out to the echoey expanse of the main floor of this house. It was ominously silent, an abrupt change from the booming music I had just been hearing. There was nothing. Had she gone home? I knew that Chloe liked to drink a bit more than she should and I started to get worried, "Chloe?"

I took a few steps further into the hall, listening intently. I waited and waited in silence for a minute or so, thinking more and more with every second that she must have left for some reason. Just when I was about to pull out my phone to text her I heard something.

Although it was faint I knew the sound of crying all too well. I became instantly concerned and walked forward, trying to make my footsteps as soft as possible. Was she crying? Had I made her cry? The thought of Chloe Baele crying because of me almost made my own eyes become glossy.

"Chloe...?" I called out again. As I walked down the hall the crying was getting louder and louder, easier to hear. It definitely sounded like her, I knew her voice well enough. Just the sound of it was painful. I couldn't begin to imagine the carefree go-lucky girl in tears. She should never be that upset.

The sound of sobbing got loudest outside what I thought might be a bathroom. I stopped in front of the door, pressing my ear softly against it. That was Chloe. And she was absolutely bawling. I bit my lower lip before reaching towards the door knob, wondering what I was getting myself into. I liked Chloe. I understood that now. And if I had to comfort her in tears, I wasn't sure what I might say to her. This was definitely risky but I wasn't going to leave her an emotional wreck.

I pushed the door open, "Chloe..." She was sitting on the edge of the sink with her face buried in her hands, "Oh my God... what's wrong?" I walked in and gently closed the door behind me.

The redhead looked up, startled, mascara running down her face in streams. She shot to her feet and backed away from me like I was on fire or something. That hurt. But I didn't let it show. The distance between us was much larger than it should have been. I should have been hugging her. Wiping the tears from her cheeks. But she seemed to be as far from me as she possibly could be. The tension was tangible.

"Chlo? Why are you crying?" I sounded so concerned. Because I _was._ It was just new. Having friends was a new concept so generally it was also new being this worried about someone. I got ready to add guilt into the mixture of emotions I felt if this was my fault. I prayed it wasn't but I had a foreboding feeling that this somehow was.

She stared at me for a few moments with her piercing blue eyes. God her eyes were so beautiful and captivating. If you were going to be attracted to a girl you might as well be attracted to someone as perfect as Chloe. That was the thing, she seemed so flawless that seeing her in tears was especially surprising. I never would have expected this to happen tonight or in a million years.

It was only when she shook her head back and forth and started quaking in more violent sobs that I walked forward. She didn't back away anymore, only because she physically couldn't, her back being pressed against the wall. I wrapped her into an embrace which she didn't respond to. Not a good sign but there was no way I could let her go. She was crying so hard it made me shake as well. What had I done?

"Chloe please, talk to me..."

"Don't-" The redhead suddenly muttered in a very bitter, dark tone. She shoved forward and literally _pushed _me away. I gasped. Wow. I really fucked something up.

"Look, whatever I did I didn't mean to hurt you. I would never, ever hurt you, I promise." I hoped that I wasn't sending mixed signals. I didn't want her to catch on to how I felt. Did I?

"N-No you didn't mean to..." Chloe kept her eyes trained on mine, the eye contact very intense. She was trying to convey something but I couldn't tell what it was. It was only when she glared at me that I felt my heart really shatter into pieces, "...but you did. Unintentionally."

"Chlo I'm so sorry. What is it that hurt you...?"

She opened her mouth to respond but instead broke down in more sobs. I took a step closer, wanting so badly to hug her but worried that she might shove me off again. I didn't want that. I would give her time.

I could only imagine one thing that might bother her, but it didn't make much sense. I didn't want to get my hopes up for something that was most likely not true. Sure I wish so much that it was real but it wasn't. It couldn't be. Never in a million years... right?

"Is this about Jesse?" My voice was timid and small. Because the answer could either be the most positive thing I had ever heard or an earth-shattering rejection. My eyes moved from her for the first time since I entered this bathroom and I felt my pale cheeks start to burn.

Chloe stopped crying. She held her hand over her mouth but her tear-skimmed eyes moved up to mine and she stared intensely. I heard her stuttering some things that didn't make sense and I was sure she was just going to start sobbing again, when instead she slowly nodded. At least she was blushing too.

She was upset because of Jesse. Because I kissed Jesse? Why would that drive her to tears? This was so confusing. I raised an eyebrow at her but now she wouldn't look at me. I wanted so badly to get closer and it was hard to restrain myself. I took a few steps closer before managing to stop. The distance between us wasn't that large anymore. But it was much bigger than I wanted it to be.

"Is it..." This conversation was going to remain shrouded in uncertainty unless I finally said something. And although it might make things immensely aca-awkward, it needed to be confirmed. Taking a deep breath, I muttered under my breath, "...because I kissed him?"

Her response was much faster than before, "Oh my _God_ Beca why are you pretending to be so oblivious?!"

"Huh?" I asked, confused.

She scoffed, clearly finding my reaction ridiculous, "You've know that I'm head over heels for you, _everyone _knows! And then you go around kissing boys right in front of my face?! I mean I know that you're straight and I've known that you're straight, but confirmation is a _bitch. _It really hurts you know. I know you might not mean it but it would be great if you could stop doing that or at least try to tone back any PDA with Jesse when I can _see _it." It was kinda hard to understand her words through her tears.

My jaw hit the floor. I was so shocked. She really felt that way? She was the one that got drunk and hooked up with random guys in front of _my _face. But maybe she was doing that to try to cope. Because apparently she had liked me for a long time and I was too dense to notice it. She sobbed steadily into her hand and didn't look at me again after what she had said. I couldn't speak. I remembered how terrible I would feel when I saw her with a guy and it made me so guilty to know I had made her feel that way too. Since I couldn't talk I had to show her how I felt some other way. Fast.

Although I was incredibly nervous, all of this being new, I moved closer until the space between us was gone, my hands holding the sides of her arms. The sudden movement caused her to bring her hands from her face. She stared at me. I stared at her. It seemed like time had completely stopped and there's no way to dictate how long we just looked at one another. But she was still crying. I didn't want her to cry anymore.

I kissed her. Or rather, she kissed me. Or maybe we moved at the same time, I don't really know. But it was the definition of perfection. When we collided it was a confirmation that this whole conversation hadn't just been in my head. It was real. This was real. Chloe Baele was kissing me like she meant it and like she had wanted to for the longest time. Because she did. I felt her hands sliding around my waist as she turned us around, pressing me against the wall. She was getting more aggressive in her advance and honestly, if Fat Amy hadn't barged in I'm not sure how far Chloe would have taken it.

"Whoa." The Aussie blurted out, definitely drunk. The gorgeous redhead detached herself from me and looked over her shoulder at Amy, blushing intensely, "I should get Cythia Rose up in here, she's missin' out."

That's true. She was missing out. But Chloe was mine now. I made a silent decision in the back of my head that she was mine and I was never letting her go. Ever.


	2. First Date

My hand felt like it weighed a thousand pounds as I raised it to Chloe's door, knocking two steady times. She answered it before I even had a chance to let out the nervous breath I had been holding in. She looked perfect. Like she usually did. And, like usual, she greeted me with an extremely warm hug. One of the hugs that you cherish and read into later, wondering, "Was there something more to that?" Now I didn't think that my analyzing all physical contact we had was crazy, because she really _did _like me. My suspicions were valid.

"Nice to see you too!" I exclaimed, not hesitating in returning the hug.

"It's always nice to see you!" Chloe said in her perky voice, her happiness and smile contagious. Then again I always smiled when I was around her anyways. How could you not? She was a literal ray of sunshine. Oh God my thoughts were cheesy.

When she finally let me go I felt terrible, almost immediately gravitating back towards her but somehow managing to remain rooted to the spot. I had been to Aubrey and Chloe's place before. Apparently Aubrey wasn't here, which might have been why Chloe invited me over. Either way I didn't care. Spending any amount of time with her seemed like everything else about my life was unimportant in comparison.

"Come in, come in!" She opened the door a bit wider and stepped aside. I walked inside, standing in the hall until I heard the sound of her closing it behind me. She came up at my back but didn't say anything. I hovered, not saying anything, knowing that the redhead was mere inches from me. I was so tempted to just move back, wishing that she would wrap her arms around my middle and we could just stand there and it would be perfect. But instead she cleared her throat a bit and tapped one of her fingers on the headphones that hung on my neck, "Listening to something?"

I opened my mouth to respond, gesturing to the ipod that was stuck in my front jacket pocket, but she held up her hand to stop me, "Wait, is it my lady jam?" I smiled at the reference to our time in the shower and laughed a bit, "Or maybe some Bruno Mars?" She winked at me and I nearly melted into the floor. That comment made me think a bit.

I raised an eyebrow at her, "You know, I always wondered if you were singing to me that night..." I trailed off, hoping that she had been. Frankly, I had been singing Just A Dream about her. But I would never confess that.

She blushed a bit, looking a put caught off guard. I couldn't wipe the smile off my face, "Well, I um..." I had never seen Chloe at a loss for words, but lets say calling it adorable would be the understatement of the century. I just let out a small laugh at her and watched her cheeks light up with a blush. She playfully punched my arm, "Oh like you've never done anything sappy for me!"

I glanced subconsciously at my ipod in my pocket, thinking about all the mixes I had made while I thought about nothing but her. Seeming to have read my mind, her hands lunged forward and took the headphones from my neck before I could do anything in protest and put them to her ears, giving me a look full of expectations. Getting her meaning, I tugged my ipod from my pocket and scrolled through a playlist I had actually labelled, "Redhead". Probably a bad idea because if anyone found my ipod they would want an explanation. I didn't even care. The first thing in that playlist was a combination of Titanium and Just A Dream. I had made it right before the ICCA's, when my feelings about Chloe were getting more and more hard to ignore. I played it for her.

She gasped and mouthed, "My lady jam!" pointing to the headphones energetically when Titanium started up. When the Just A Dream part kicked in I saw her pretty blue eyes getting distant. We stood there, her listening to my mix, me awkwardly fumbling with my hands in my pockets since it was silent on my end. I had to maintain a fairly close proximity to her, the length of the headphone cord not being that long. She seemed to be pretty immersed in it. In _my _music. I had always been really flattered that she took such an interest in it, even when she first found out I liked that stuff. The thoughts made me smile like an idiot to myself.

It felt like forever until she finally slid the headphones from her ears and put them gently back around my neck. There was another pause. I opened my mouth to ask what she thought about it-

-when she looped her thumbs in my belt loops and tugged me into her, lips finding mine automatically. I gasped a bit, surprised at the sudden advance but not at all rejecting it. My arms found their way around her neck, fingers absentmindedly fiddling with her fiery curls. It was only at moment that I wondered what my past-self would be thinking right now. Not too far back past, more like before I joined the Bellas past. I definitely wouldn't imagine myself entangled with some girl. But she really was so far from just "some girl". She was Chloe Beale. My secret infatuation. The perfect, peppy redhead. The girl who hit the base-notes in our historical final's performance. The girl who had changed my life for the better and made every second of it seem like heaven. She was intoxicating. She lit up a room. She took my breath away. She was flawless.

And she was mine.

She pulled back, resting her forehead against mine, smirking at me, "You're really talented, you know that?"

The complement caught me off guard but it made me blush all the same, "You like it, then?" She wasn't getting any closer but she wasn't getting any farther. I felt her breath on my skin, I could smell her hair. This was just how close I wanted us to be at that moment. Any farther would have left me wanting more and any closer we would have been kissing again. Although I had no problem with that I wanted to talk to her for a bit.

"Like it?" She seemed offended I would even suggest it, "I _love _it. I love all your music..." It seemed like she might add something but then decided against doing so. What would she have said? I had an idea or two.

At this point there was no doubt in my mind that I was head over heels in love with Chloe. I just didn't know if the feeling was mutual and would like to know for sure before making the emotions vocal. But why had she hesitated? Did she love me too? I felt like if she told me that I would pass out. I didn't feel like I could be loved, or even liked for that matter. Especially not by someone as gorgeous and wonderful as this redhead. But here she was, forehead pressed against mine, complementing the second most important thing in my life; music. The first most important thing in my life at the moment was her. But I wasn't going to say that aloud either.

"That's sweet of you to say..." I replied lamely. But it was what I was thinking! For some reason when I was with her everything seemed so natural, so normal and _right._ I hoped that she felt that too. Like we sort of clicked at some point.

We stood there for a long time. I felt her fingertips drumming gently on my hips, making chills go up my spine. My head was spinning with lust and desire but I knew that I didn't want to rush into anything. This was technically our first date. Not yet.

"So..." I finally muttered, "...what do you have planned for tonight?"

She smirked devilishly, making my brain come up with all kinds of inappropriate images of what might transpire, "I told you Aubrey wasn't home..." What was she implying? I watched her bite her lip with dazzling white teeth as she looked me up and down, getting her meaning.

"Um," That one word changed the mood entirely, "Nothing personal but isn't sex on the first date kinda..." I couldn't find the right word, but made my expression show I didn't much approve of it. She understood, I think. And even though that clearly wasn't what she wanted she was willing to do whatever I wanted. Which made me smile a bit.

"We could watch a movie if you want..." She said, knowing that was far from what I would want to do. Laughing at her own joke she gave me another suggestion, "Or we could cuddle on the cough and you could play me more of your mixes."

"I'll take the second option." She planted a soft kiss on my lips before pulling away and walking further into the apartment, me at her heels. And that's exactly how we spent our night. However the entire time I was secretly thinking in the back of my head how our _next _date would "go down".


	3. Jesse Problems

**Okay I really want some credit for the sexual innuendo I ended the last chapter with that I haven't gotten any credit for yet. Like it wasn't that good but I laughed so hard like an idiot to myself when I first typed it so please.**

I walked down the quad, coffee cup in one hand phone in the other, heading to Bellas rehearsal. Even though finals were over and we technically didn't have any performances, we still sung the covers of songs together just for the fun of it. And sometimes we got gigs from places around campus but we didn't get paid much. That didn't really matter to us though. We just needed some sort of excuse to sing together.

"Beca!" I heard someone call out to me. Although the voice sounded familiar I couldn't quite place it, but when I turned around to look I felt my entire body become stiff as a board. It was Jesse. And he looked far from happy with me.

After the night of the ICCA's I hadn't had any contact with him. He blew up my phone with his texts and calls but I was too caught up with Chloe to respond to anything he had to say. Besides I didn't have the balls to let him rip me a new one, since I knew that was what he planned on doing. Now I knew there was no getting away from this. He had got me. I was just terrified about what he planned on saying. What was I going to say to him, anyway? "Oh sorry I've been ignoring you, I've just been hooking up with Chloe"? Yeah probably not.

"Where have you been?! It's like you disappeared off the face of the earth!" He still had his voice raised even though he was directly in front of me. Wow. I made a silent note in the back of my head that I should really stop ignoring people when they might be mad at me. Then it just makes the eventual confrontation more awful.

"Jesse, look I-" He didn't even give me a chance to start stumbling over my words for a proper explanation before he cut me off.

"-I don't want to hear it! How could you do that, kiss me and then act like I don't exist?! What's up with you Beca?" He was _really _mad. I had no idea what to say. I had no excuse, in reality. It was my fault. I guess all I could do was take it.

"You have every right to be mad at me, so just say whatever you want to say right now because it's probably all accurate." Even I was surprised at how mature I sounded when my reflexes told me to deflect his accusations with sarcasm. I was just dealing with the consequences of my shitty decision making.

He looked a bit taken aback at that but then continued shouting at me, "I just want an explanation, Beca! It seemed like you actually liked me! Everything seemed awesome! I didn't even care that we lost because I was so happy that night and then the next day you kicked me to the curb!" I couldn't tell if he sounded hurt or not because he was seething with rage. I had never seen him like this before.

"I'm sorry. It's really nothing that you did, you're a great guy. I just..." _Oh boy..._ I could only imagine the anger he would show at what I had to say next, "...there's someone else."

The change was immediate, and he went from looking to a hurt puppy to an evil supervillain in about two seconds, "_What?!" _He was so loud I grimaced, wondering how many looks we were getting from other students around the quad. I hoped that no other Bellas saw me when they were going to rehearsal. I didn't want to be interrogated about this when I went inside, "Who is it?! Luke?!"

I laughed a bit at that, wondering why he even thought that. Sure he had washboard abs and was admittedly very attractive, but I never looked at him like that. He was one of those people who you just know is too good for you so you don't let yourself fall for them. I was interested anyway since I met him at around the same time I met Chloe. She was definitely a better option.

"I'm glad one of us thinks this situation is funny!" He screamed at me. My apology was written all over my face and when I opened my mouth to apologize he held up his hand, stopping me, "Do I know them?! I at least deserve to know who it is, can you at _least _give me that?"

Now this was the tricky part. Chloe and I hadn't talked about when we were going to disclose our relationship to our friends, if we were going to make an announcement or if we were going to let them figure it out for themselves. Or if we were just going to tell whoever we wanted whenever we wanted. It wasn't like we were worried about being discriminated against or anything even remotely like that, but it seemed so natural to us we hadn't talked about it. I wasn't sure what to say. I mean Chlo was a big softie and I wasn't worried about her getting mad. That was one of the many things that I liked about her. I didn't have to worry about some big eruption of pent up feelings because of how open she was with everyone.

"Well?!" He wasn't at all amused with my silence but I wasn't sure if I could give an answer.

"Beca?"

_Oh great. Not now! _I didn't even have to think, I knew Chloe's voice by heart. She jogged over to us, looking absolutely adorable with her red hair perfectly framing her face and tan skin sporting a pink sundress. I noticed she was wearing heels. Her eyes moved from Jesse to me, clearly understanding there was some sort of argument going on and I gave her a look of distress which she caught.

"Chloe can you give us a minute? Beca was just giving me an explanation." The way he spat out the last word was proving how much he wanted one. I wasn't planning on giving it.

"Jesse I really have to go," I mumbled under my breath. I could barely hear it so when he gave me a death glare showing he had heard what I said, I secretly admired his sense of hearing when he was mad.

"I want you to tell me right now who you've been seeing." He took a step closer to emphasize his point. I took a step back.

Chloe quickly linked her arm with mine, "Jesse, Beca will text you okay? We have rehearsals!" With that she literally tugged me away from the conversation. I jerked my head away from him and refused to look back, but the way he stared after us left his eyes boring holes in the back of my head. When Chloe shoved me into the auditorium and slammed the door behind us I had never been so relieved.

"What was that about?" She asked me, reaching forward and gently grasping both of my hands in hers. Judging from the general quietness of the area behind me I had a feeling the other Bellas weren't in the room yet or had gone somewhere else. We were a pretty rowdy bunch. I would be able to hear who was there or not.

"He just wanted to know why I have completely stopped talking to him ever since the finals, and I told him that there was someone else. Lets say he wasn't too happy about that." I shrugged, for some reason feeling pretty indifferent to what had just happened. At least I hadn't lied at all. I hated the feeling I got after I lied to someone I did genuinely care about. It wasn't that I disliked him. I just didn't want anything romantic between the two of us and didn't think he could get past it. Better to completely drop it then have constant romantic tension.

"You didn't tell him you're hooking up with this sexy redhead?" Chloe asked, pulling me closer. I felt myself blushing but I couldn't even begin to control it. She knew just what to say to get to me. Another thing to add to the seemingly endless list of reasons I loved her.

"You're so full of yourself..." My words barely left my mouth before she had her hands firmly on my hips and her lips against mine, as if she was marking her territory or something. I probably would have done the same thing if I saw her in an argument with one of her exes. Then again I didn't really know who any of her exes were.

The sound of the door opening behind us made me immediately detach from her, which was extremely difficult to do. She pouted at me but wiped the expression away when Aubrey walked in, looking official like usual. Her eyes passed between us before she arched one of her eyebrows in suspicion. We were both standing pretty stiffly. Usually when the Bellas come in we just sit on the fold out chairs and wait for the others, but we were hovering awkwardly near the door. She held something in her hand, a few papers in a neat looking manilla folder and she walked to the stage before setting it down on the piano.

"Well hello to you guys too, I guess..." She said, the words carrying across the room over to us.

"Hi!" Chloe said. The enthusiasm sounded pretty forced. It was cute.

"Are all the others late or are we just early?" I asked, walking towards one of the chairs and taking a seat in it. Chloe followed me every step of the way. I didn't think she was going to be subtle about our relationship but I didn't think she would be this obvious about it either. I could feel Aubrey's searching eyes following me too. There were a few seconds of silence before she seemed to register what I had said.

"Well I guess you guys were kinda early. Did you come together...?" She sat on the edge of the stage, the folder in her lap. Chloe had taken a seat next to me and was scooted pretty close. I pretended like I didn't notice it.

"No, we just bumped into each other when we were coming in." That was true.

Aubrey smiled for a second before asking in a knowing tone, "Are you guys gonna bump into each other coming out?"

I felt myself freeze. Chloe just laughed at the pun and intertwined her fingers with mine between our chairs. No point in hiding it now. Had Chloe already told Aubrey about it or was it really that obvious? I wasn't embarrassed, that was far from it. I was just surprised.

"I guess we didn't have to," I said, looking at the redhead next to me. Her smile hadn't faded in the slightest and it was huge. I laughed a little.

"All I can say is that it's about damn time." Aubrey said. I opened my mouth to question that, when all of our attention was diverted from the conversation at the sound of the door opening. Stacie and Cynthia Rose walked in, waving.

"Wassup Bellas," Cynthia asked, eying Stacie's ass as she walked ahead of her. I shook my head back and forth, smiling. They took their seats, Chloe spouting out greetings. Neither of the two notices our holding hands but then again they were sitting at an angle where they would have been hidden. Aubrey couldn't stop grinning to herself and looking up at us.

"So what are we doing today? I have a uh..." Stacie paused for a moment as if searching for the right word, "..._date_... at six. This better not make me late for it."

I had a feeling that this "date" was one of her one-night-stands. Even though I vaguely remember her saying something about trying to have less sex I wasn't noticing any attempts to stop her habits. I wonder if Cynthia was getting jealous. I was one to talk. If I ever saw Chloe even look at a guy before we were together I almost felt smoke coming out of my ears.

"Just basic stuff. Going through choreography again mainly." She stood from the stage and walked paced up and down it, talking about something I didn't really listen to. Some frat had asked us to perform for them at a party they were having for graduation. Since apparently it didn't interfere with Audrey and Chloe's own graduation plans we could do it. All we really did was pick a few songs that might go together and I helped Aubrey come up with good choreography, although I had to admit she was getting better at being modern. I was rubbing off on her and I hoped everyone else noticed because it definitely wasn't easy.

Fat Amy and Lily walked in next. Although Lily had recently started talking at volumes we could hear, the sound difference between those two was gargantuan. It made me smile to myself when they walked in, the Aussie chatting Lily's ear off about some sort of new restaurant she personally discovered. We greeted them and they sat down. Lily glanced at Chloe and my hands together and then smiled at me. I winked at her. Fat Amy didn't seem to notice. I wondered if she remembered seeing us making out in that bathroom. She was pretty drunk, and if she did she hadn't said anything yet.

Pretty soon everyone else showed up and we got started. Even though I had helped originally come up with choreography I could barely remember any of it. Chloe knew it better than I did, and she came over to me, gently grabbing my wrists and leading me through the moves. I smiled, remembering the first time she did this I tried to wriggle out of her grasp because of the goosebumps she was giving me. Although the chills continued to go up and down my spine when I felt her warm breath against my skin I knew that she was mine. This time it was different. At a point when the two of us were in the back and nobody could see, I felt her lips against the nape of my neck. I shook in my boots and almost collapsed, but her hands kept me steady.

At the end of rehearsals I didn't let her get far. When nobody was looking I grabbed her hand and pulled her into the nearest closet. All I'm going to say about what happened in there is that I hope that the Bellas had left, because that door wasn't soundproof and some of those thing couldn't be unheard.


	4. Drunken Mistakes

**I didn't feel like making anything too dirty in the last chapter cuz like... I rated this T for some reason. I mean I could change it to M if I really need to but whatever, you guys can deal. And if I shatter your innocence then I will personally consider that an accomplishment. **

We were at Chloe and Aubrey's place a few days later, and it was getting pretty heated. Since that day after rehearsals in the closet (ironically) we haven't had a chance to do anything else. Surprisingly enough the radio station actually takes up time in my schedule, and I've been trying to get closer to my dad although that has been kind of hard. Chloe thinks I should start letting people in more and giving people second chances. I'm willing to try anything if she thinks it's worth the time.

I never really noticed how comfortable Chloe's couch was until I was being pressed into it while she was on top of me. And I never really noticed how aggressive she was until she snagged my bottom lip between her teeth for the fifth time. And I never really noticed how soft her skin was until she was shoving my hands beneath her shirt. Although she was the more assertive one I wasn't resisting anything she asked me to do. We had been watching a movie but the TV remote was probably lost somewhere in the cushions by now, the show still playing but the volume having been turned down by one rambunctious redhead. I felt her lips detach from mine and her tongue trace down my neck, making me squirm beneath her. Okay this was definitely going to turn into sex really fast.

The sound of the door opening and sunlight flooding into the dark room made her yelp in cute surprise, sitting up so she straddled me. I felt my face turn the color of a tomato and I jerked my head in the direction of the doorway to see Aubrey standing there. Chloe had said that she had gone out running errands. I guess we had overestimated how long that was going to take. Aubrey just rolled her eyes at us after a few seconds, adjusting the shopping bags that hung over her thin arms before walking past us without saying a word. Chloe looked down at me, her hair disheveled and her shirt having slid off one of her shoulders. As I started to sit up she pressed her arm firmly against my collarbones, keeping me pinned. I raised an eyebrow at her but she kissed me again before I could protest any more. I could hear Aubrey unpacking groceries in the kitchen, the only divider between the different rooms we were in being an archway. She could probably clearly hear anything that went on in here.

It was extremely difficult to manage but I finally somehow got Chloe off of me and sat up, almost out of breath. She cuddled up against my side, whispering things in my ear that really made my mind take a turn to inappropriate.

"If you guys aren't even gonna pretend to watch it, could you turn off the TV?" Aubrey called out to the two of us. It took her a few seconds but Chloe moved away from me and found the remote. I looked over my shoulder to see Aubrey putting things away and I wanted to help her, but when I tried to stand up I felt a hand grab mine and pull me back onto the couch. That didn't surprise me.

xxx

No, we hadn't really officially told people about our relationship. But it seemed pretty damn clear. Everytime the Bellas met up together, whether it was for a party, a movie night, or a rehearsal, Chloe was basically on top of me. If you couldn't tell then you must have been blind or something. Only Cynthia Rose had said something about it directly to me, claiming I had "Got myself a good one". For some reason I felt like Fat Amy was pretending it wasn't happening because she hadn't made any snarky remarks.

I really couldn't be happier. Chloe was everything I ever wanted and more. She was utter perfection and everytime I looked at her I was amazed she had chosen me. She complimented me every five seconds and would constantly be grabbing my hand or kissing my cheek. She got a job close to campus so that she could drop by and visit me whenever she had the chance. I had gotten used to her showing up at my dorm in the middle of the night, but Kimmy-Jin was far from amused. Everything about the way my life was seemed perfect and it had never been like that before. Every morning when I woke up my phone would be blinking with two or three messages from her. Every night before I went to bed she would text me "Sweet dreams" or something equally as cute. And even though anybody else could easily tell we were in love, we hadn't said it yet.

That was the only thing that bugged me. I didn't want to say it first and make it seem like I was rushing into things, but I knew it was true. I literally couldn't get this redhead out of my mind for the life of me and I didn't want to. I never wanted her to leave, I wanted her constantly around and I felt lonely if she wasn't. Everything seemed to remind me of her and whenever we were together I just felt so completed. I don't even care how queerballs that sounds because every word of it is the truth.

Another thing that I knew I was avoiding was Jesse. I mean Chloe had said I would text him but I never agreed to that. After he ripped me a new one like that I felt like sending him "Hey" would probably be obnoxious. So instead I decided against saying anything, which was probably about a million times worse. I wasn't ashamed of Chloe, not at all. But for some reason a part of me was extremely nervous about telling Jesse about her. It was stupid, I should just tell him who I'm seeing. He was really mad. If I was in his position I would want to know who it was too.

Finally when the thoughts about Jesse were really starting to plague me, I ripped out my phone and sent him something before I could overthink and delete it.

_Uh hey. Sorry I haven't said anything sooner, honestly I've been putting this off. But listen I really am sorry, ignoring you was a total dick move. But I'm going out with Chloe. You're a really great guy and I hope we can be friends because you have juice pouches and Rocky! _

He didn't say anything to that. Later that day, the Bellas showed up at my door and dragged me to the empty pool where we had our Riff-off. The Trebles and the BU Harmonics were there. Jesse was there. I wondered if he got my text. Of course he did. By the way he shot daggers at me from across the pool one minute and then was looking at me with longing the next gave me the feeling I left him conflicted. It was just a party, sort of. On one end of the pool the BU Harmonics and the Trebles were harmonizing together but on the other we were just partying our asses off. I couldn't really concentrate with Jesse constantly staring at me from somewhere, whether it was when he was trying to blend with a crowd or standing completely on his own all angsty. Chloe didn't know it because I hadn't really kept her updated on the Jesse situation and was on top of me like usual. Probably a bad time for her to be grinding against me, in all honesty.

Everyone sort of left at their own pace, their own different levels of drunk. I hadn't really had anything to drink that night but it probably would have helped with all of the guilt I felt for some reason. Chloe on the other hand? That ginger was absolutely full of her jiggle-juice. And drunk Chloe is even more affectionate than sober Chloe, something I didn't think was possible. While I practically dragged her back to Aubrey's car, (Aubrey was driving her home and although she wasn't particularly drinking "responsibly" she refused to let me drive them) she was kissing my neck and trying to tackle me to the ground. But I really had to get back to my dorm where I had unfortunately left my phone. Jesse might have texted me back. I kissed her goodbye and started walking back-

- "Beckaw!"

_Uh oh. _I turned on my heel to see an absolutely _trashed _Jesse stumbling towards me. I backed up a bit but hit the wall of the nearest building. With all of the pent up aggression I imagined he held I was worried how this was gonna go down. I could smell the beer on him a mile away.

"Oh hey Jesse..." That couldn't have sounded more awkward. Aca-awkward. Oh God what had Chloe done to me?

"What are you doing out here all alone, don't you know it's not safe out this time of night?" At least that's what I think he said. I couldn't really understand him with all of his drunken hiccupping and slurring.

"Why because I'm gonna be cornered by my drunk ex?" That was way more harsh than I wanted it to be and I regretted the way it came out. He was too drunk to be as offended as he should have been.

"Drunk-Drunkkk?" He laughed, his breath that seemed to be pure alcohol fumes feeling like a slap across the face. He was leaning closer to me and I didn't like it one bit. I could only imagine what Chloe would be doing to this guy if she was here. Probably ripping him apart. But for some reason I was rooted to the spot, "I'm not drunk you're just attractive..."

"Smooth," I muttered, wondering where this was going. He leaned even closer, his eyes barely open. I couldn't help but glare at him and I shoved forward to get him away from me-

-but he didn't budge. For a drunk guy he was surprisingly sturdy. He didn't even sway. Instead he pressed me against the wall suddenly, making me yelp. I could really use my BU rape whistle right about now but I left it at home, thinking it was ridiculous. Great.

"Jesse get off me!" I shouted at him while he tried to kiss me. I struggled against him but he had grabbed both of my wrists and was restraining me. Was this seriously happening?

"Squirming isn't a turn on you know..." He mumbled in my ear. When I felt his lips against my neck I couldn't help but jerk away from him, almost breaking free. But he was strong. And for the first time since I had known him, I barely recognized Jesse Swanson. He looked evil. Not like himself at all. Honestly I was terrified. It was only when I felt him unbuttoning my jacket that I got really desperate.

Okay this was a cheap shot, but I kneed him as hard as I could in the balls. When he doubled over I punched him right in the face for good measure before running away as fast as I could, crying for some reason. That was not at all how I thought that night was going to go. When I got back to my dorm I was relieved to find Kimmy-Jin not there, because I was crying myself to sleep whether I had an audience or not.


	5. Unpredicted Reaction

**Oh hey, sudden darkness. Yeah I don't like Jesse in case you didn't notice. But that was pretty dick-like of him. I'll try to redeem him but I dunnoooo. I'm still deciding whether or not I want him and Beca to hang out at all. He bugs me. Oh how evil I am ;)**

I woke up with red puffy eyes, a damp pillow, and a throbbing headache even though I had barely touched any alcohol the night before. It only took a few seconds for what happened to hit me like a ton of bricks all over again and I exhaled shakily, balling up a large portion of blankets into my quaking fists. The thing I definitely wanted most at that moment was for Chloe to randomly burst through my door to help, but instead Kimmy-Jin walked in. She must have been out all night but she looked just as stoic as usual. When she saw the makeup running down my face and how distraught I was she had the courtesy not to shoot me daggers and instead walked silently towards her bed, not speaking a word. My phone vibrated in my pocket.

_Wake up already sleepy head! Jeez I got wasted last night and I'm up before you ;) xo_

Not even Chloe's adorable morning text messages could cheer me up. I couldn't believe Jesse had done that. I mean I know I hadn't been good to him but that was way too far. I didn't even care if he was drunk. That was over the line and honestly I wasn't sure if I could forgive him. I felt so violated and he had barely touched me. I fell into a sort of daze where time flew by really fast and the only thing that got me out of it was a follow up from my redhead.

_Are you okay? Usually you text me back by now. Did I do something wrong when I was drunk? Please respond Bec you're making me worry :/_

Not even that made me respond and I couldn't even imagine her worrying. My face didn't move from my pillow for what felt like years. Something was definitely wrong with me. I would much rather have dealt with a hangover than whatever sort of emotional downward spiral I was in at that moment. Kimmy-Jin must have found it too awkward for her to endure because eventually I heard her mutter something before leaving. I was neither sad or happy that she had gone. Having someone else in the room sort of reminded me that the world was still intact although to me it felt like it was falling apart. I know that sounds dramatic but there was definitely something wrong with me at that moment. My phone buzzed again and it took me a few minutes to muster the willpower to look.

_I'm coming over_

She really cared that much? I knew she had work today. I didn't want her to leave just for me. My body feeling like it suddenly weighed ten thousand pounds made lifting my hand to text back take much more effort than seemed reasonable, but I somehow managed to get out; _Don't. _Apparently it was too late because by that time she had burst through my door. Our eyes met and she rushed to the bed, looking like she had literally dropped everything to get to my dorm.

"Beca what happened?!" I was sitting up gradually but apparently that wasn't fast enough for her, because she grabbed me by the shoulders and propped me up against the wall. Although any movement on my own behalf made me feel extremely heavy she moved me around like a ragdoll. I didn't respond to her question verbally and just shook my head back and forth. Her concern was radiating off of her in tangible waves.

Her warm hand on my slightly damp cheek made me almost smile but I found myself unable to. She was kneeling on my bed in front of me, "Please talk to me..."

I opened my mouth to tell her what had happened when a sudden wave of tears hit me all over again. I hated crying. I hated it so much. It made me feel so weak and fragile and not Beca-like. And even though I loved Chloe I desperately didn't want to start bawling in front of her. Instead I just started blinking rapidly and I looked away. I heard her make an adorable little whimpering sound from her worry.

"Beca I don't know if this is from something I might have done but I'm so sorry if that's why you're upset," She gently grasped my chin and turned my head to face her. I wasn't emotionally strong enough to move away from her. I stared at her eyes for a few seconds, mesmerized by how amazingly blue they were before I gave into the need for comfort and leaned in closer, kissing her. Since I couldn't really talk I had to show her some other way that my being distraught wasn't at all related to her. When she kissed me back she wasn't as aggressive as usual. Just tender and compassionate. It was making me want to cry even more. Because I remembered Jesse trying to kiss me the night before.

Finally I pulled away from her, the moment our lips detached I breathed out his name, "Jesse," Before placing a hand over my mouth in an attempt to muffle my tears. It didn't work that well. Chloe wiped them from my cheeks with her thumbs, something that would have made me smile but didn't at that particular moment.

"What did he do to you...?" She asked. I detected the hint of rage behind her words. I could perfectly imagine her clawing his eyes out of his head.

"He..." I felt my eyes moving idly to my jacket. The buttons that he tried to undo I hadn't bothered trying to fix and you could clearly tell they had been messed with by a dude. Eventually Chloe looked down too. I heard her gasp and I immediately added on to what I had said, "...he was drunk."

As soon as the words left my mouth she was on her feet headed towards the door. I had never seen her that mad before, not even when she was wrestling Aubrey when she was trying to get the pitch pipe. I shot to my feet, suddenly awake and alert, grabbing her wrist. Even though Jesse did deserve to get bitched out I hesitated letting her do it. She stopped, surprisingly enough, but she didn't look at me.

"Give me one good reason why I shouldn't go to his dorm and rip his fucking balls off right _now._" Wow. She really was pissed.

"Because I'm sure if he remembers what he did he feels just as shitty as I do," Where did that come from? Those words hadn't even crossed my mind and I had been thinking a _lot. _Now that I read into that a little more, he might be way too hungover. He hadn't texted me or anything. So if he did remember maybe he was just deciding to continue being a dick. I had hit him in the face pretty hard the night before and for all I knew he might have passed out right there. I didn't know and frankly I didn't care.

"And what if he doesn't remember?" Chloe asked, turning around to face me. I knew that she wasn't mad at me but just by the way that death glare looked I got a little nervous. She was really gonna fuck him up if I let her out of this room, "Are you just gonna pretend like it never happened and let him be mad at you for the rest of your life?" Then she must have noticed the daggers he shot at me all throughout last night. Huh. She hadn't said anything about it then.

"No..." I really didn't know what to say to that. The level of awkwardness would be ridiculous if he didn't remember and I would feel constant tension. For all I knew he could have traumatized me or something. I might be terrified if a guy ever even touches me, and if it affects anything between Chloe and I he's really gonna get it, "...I'll... say something to him?" That probably wouldn't happen.

"Oh Beca..." The redhead's sympathy suddenly came back, the anger at Jesse seeming to have dissipated randomly. She wrapped me tightly in her arms and muttered in a loving way, "You're a mess."

That was true. In fact I couldn't think of a better way to describe myself at that moment. I was utterly lost, unsure of what to do, what to say, how to react. He was drunk. He wasn't sure what he was doing. But that didn't mean it was right at all. Because it wasn't. The only thing I was certain of was that Chloe was going to help me. I hugged her back, trying to show her through the gesture how much she meant to me but finding that impossible. I didn't think I could ever put it into words.

Wait. Yes I could.

"I love you."

The three words left my mouth much easier than I thought they would. They felt almost insignificant and insufficient to describe the feelings I really had for this girl. She was everything to me. I valued her more than I had ever valued anything before in my life. They didn't sound small either. I had managed to steady my voice enough so that they really made an impact. And I thought I had said it right. I had finally said it. I was waiting for her to say it back-

-when she released me suddenly from her grasp and backed away. Tears were streaming down her cheeks and she looked flabbergasted, like she had just been told a family member had died. Were they from happiness? No. She looked way to upset for her to be happy.

"Chloe I-"

"-I have to go." The next thing I knew she had thrown my door open and took off. I ran into the hall as well but she had gone so fast I literally couldn't see which way she went. I walked back into my dorm, not even bothering to close the door, and collapsed onto my bed. For some reason I wasn't crying because my mind just couldn't register what had happened.

**Don't hate me this will be explained, mmkay? Sorry it's short but people were gettin' all antsy.**


	6. Sorry

**Sorry about this giant delay, but I don't think I'm going to update this anymore. I've just been struggling with self-harm recovery (oops didn't work) and fighting my suicidal thoughts so it's been hard to keep writing lately. **


	7. Explanations

**I'm back :) Don't expect updates too frequently, though. I'll do my best!**

Once again I was an emotional wreck, only to an even larger extent. I barely ever left my room or my bed for that matter. I constantly held my phone limply in my hand and prayed for a message from Chloe while I was too scared to send her one first. I had definitely done something wrong but I just wasn't sure what it had been. Maybe she wasn't ready to say I love you yet? Or maybe because of what Jesse had done that had somehow changed her opinion on our relationship? Sure we hadn't been going out for a particularly long time but I didn't think that mattered at all. If I loved her, I loved her, it didn't matter how much time we had been together. Maybe she didn't think so?

I got a few texts from the other Bellas, asking if I was okay because otherwise I hadn't been answering. I had completely cut myself off from the outside world which was probably another bad decision. I found myself in a constant daze, not knowing what to do, not knowing if I should get out of bed, not knowing what I had done wrong and not knowing how to feel in general. So to put it bluntly, like Chloe had said, I was a mess.

Finally one day I for some reason didn't wake up on the verge of tears. My phone had three messages; one from Fat Amy, one from Aubrey, and one from Stacie. I opened Amy's first, thinking that maybe something she had to say would cheer me up a little.

_Damn it where have you been? I've invited you to three Bella gatherings and you haven't shown up. If you don't make contact with at least one of us soon I'm filing a missing person's._

To be completely honest I wasn't sure how long I had been holed up in my bedroom. That also was probably a bad sign. I briefly considered giving her a vague response when instead I decided against it and opened up Stacie's message.

_You know, if something happened to you all of us would be really fucking upset._

I looked at this one a little longer than the others. Stacie and I weren't that close. I might expect a message like this from Amy or Chloe if she was still speaking to me, maybe even Aubrey if she were in the right mood. But Stacie? I was a little confused. How much had the Bellas been discussing my absence? Apparently pretty often. Since that was the topic of the other two messages I expected the one from Posen to be roughly the same thing, but I was wrong.

_What did you do to Chloe? She's been a complete mess for the past week. I swear if you did anything to hurt her you'll never hear the end of it._

I had held my breath when I read through that, my heart had leapt into my throat at the mere sight of Chloe's name. She was a mess? I had made her that way. Unintentionally, I hurt her somehow. Just like when I had kissed Jesse. It made me feel so awful. Guilt was an agonizing feeling, currently so intense it was practically overwhelming, though I had no idea why I should be feeling it.

Laying in bed was hardly helpful but my body felt as if it weighed a thousand pounds. Chloe was the most important thing in my life. Before that weird little outburst, it seemed like her entire purpose was to make my life better. She was so selfless and loving, but as soon I told her I loved her she fled like I had just threatened her with a loaded gun.

A little while after I had read Aubrey's text, I had worked up enough energy to drag myself to my feet. It ached just to move. Even though I didn't feel 100% in the slightest, I had a foreboding feeling that if I didn't deal with whatever problem I had accidentally caused it would fester and get much more difficult to handle. I was scared and reluctant, terrified about how hard this would be and about having absolutely no idea how things might turn out.

Getting to Aubrey and Chloe's place seemed like it took forever. The route I had gone a hundred times before felt weird for some reason and it felt like I was walking towards a funeral or some other morbid thing. The building looked like an evil mansion from a horror movie when it was really just a suburban apartment.

My knuckles throbbed in pain when they rapped on their door, even though I did it so lightly. My eyes had been wet with unshed tears for what felt like years, but now it felt even more like I was about to break down crying in the middle of a thankfully empty hallway. After ten minutes of just standing there, hearing no sounds on the other side of the fairly thin door and getting no kind of response, I hesitantly knocked again.

This time the door was pulled open. Aubrey had answered it and she didn't look very happy at all. My heart skipped a beat at the brief sight of red, curly hair turning a corner into another room. She was running away from me. Again. My glossy eyes remained glued to that spot, not even addressing the blonde standing in front of me. One of her hands was on her hip, the other on the door, looking ready to slam it in my face.

Finally my gaze flitted to her, though I did my best to make it clear that Chloe was my sole reason for coming here. There was a long silence. It seemed like neither of us were going to speak or had any intention to. Finally she gave in first, sighing in irritation before calling Chloe's name over her shoulder.

I watched as the usually peppy redhead - now looking absolutely drained emotionally - emerged cautiously from the room and immediately stared right at me. Her blue eyes looked ten shades lighter on account of the tears that were so prominently in them. It was agonizing to know how horrible I had made her feel. Just by telling her how I felt. It seemed as if all I could do was mess things up when it came to things like this.

"Chlo I'm so sorry..." I trailed off, wondering what I even planned on apologizing for. Luckily Aubrey interrupted me before my doubts could get too overwhelming.

"Why don't you just leave?" Before I could say anything the stubborn blonde had already started shutting me out.

My reflex thrusted my foot forward and stopped her, and even though it hurt like hell when my shoe got squished between the wall and the door I was way too engrossed in what was going on to address the pain, "No I just..." My eyes remained on Chloe but hers seemed to be avoiding me at all costs, "...Chloe please."

At my pleas she finally met my stare but couldn't match my intensity. She looked weak, frail almost. What had I done to her?

The silence that had grown was heavy and lingering. It almost felt like it was suffocating me. Chloe finally let out a shaky exhale that shattered the nearly painful quiet, and she stared at her blonde friend, "Aub, it's okay." Her voice broke.

Even with Chloe's approval Aubrey seemed extremely reluctant to allow me inside. Her gaze felt like a sharpened knife as she looked me up and down, and although she was trying to be subtle I noticed the way her top lip slightly curled up. She was protective of Chlo, I knew that, but the way she was so openly expressing her distaste for me was just adding to how badly I currently hurt.

"I was planning on going out anyway," Aubrey said, opening the door wider and stepping past me into the hall. She made a very theatrical effort not to make even slight contact with me. She gestured to Chloe to call her if necessary.

Chlo had her hands clasped in front of her and she fiddled with her fingers nervously. I was scared about what might happen and I didn't want to step inside that apartment, but as soon as I heard her sniffle I practically gravitated past the doorway, shutting the door behind me. For some reason I felt trapped. Part of me wished that it had locked behind me, so that I couldn't run away in terror if things went bad and I had to work through the issues I had caused.

Chloe returned to not looking in my direction and crossed her arms. I found it nearly impossible to keep myself from crying now. For some reason just seeing her in such an awful state hit me in the worst possible way, and the guilt added onto it was nearly too hard to bear.

"I'm sorry..." I wasn't exactly sure what I was saying. At that moment I just wanted so horribly for her to smile, for her to go back to her exuberant, bubbly self. If that was going to happen, I just had to do my best to do whatever it was she wanted, or whatever would make her feel better, "I shouldn't have..."

She interrupted me, though I had no idea what I planned on telling her anyway, "You shouldn't have told me you loved me?" Her lip was quivering and her usually rosy cheeks were slightly red with a blush. I had never seen her so uncertain of her actions.

I was so conflicted. Every single fiber of my being wanted to just tell her over and over again how much I loved her, but telling her that had upset her. The last thing I wanted in the entire world was for her to be sad in any way. My confusion just made me want to cry. I was so fed up with not having any idea about anything.

"Well...I just..." _I just really do love you..._ I thought that last part, too scared to say it aloud. She interrupted me again before I had the chance, anyway.

"Don't apologize." She stated laconically. She still wouldn't look at me, which was far from reassuring.

My brow furrowed, still not understanding the situation completely, "But I made you upset..."

"Just... forget about it."

I took a few steps closer to her. The space between us was still immense. I wanted this to be over with. The tension, the awkward, the hesitation and reluctance, I just wanted things to come as naturally as they did before.

"I..." I tried to just say what I would have a few weeks ago, I tried to pretend like our relationship was completely normal, "I really do..." The chunk of me that was still aware of the current situation screamed at me to stop, but should I really hide these feelings from her, for fear of her reaction? I wanted her to know how I felt, whether she was going to run away again or not. Taking a deep breath, preparing for the inevitably undesirable aftermath, I spoke in an extremely shaky tone, "I really do love you."

Chloe got the same look on her face that she had the first time I said that. I saw a tear roll down her cheek and she went pale, turning even more white than I was. I tensed up, too worried to even move. Had I just damaged whatever remained of our relationship beyond repair? It seemed that all I did was destroy the things that I valued the most, unintentionally of course.

"I-I'm sorry... I can't..." She took a step away from me, a wave of pain slamming into my chest like a brick wall, "...I just can't-" I watched, helpless, as she turned and ran into her bedroom, slamming the door behind her. I could hear her crying hysterically on the other side of it. The sound of her emotional turmoil was enough to bring me dangerously close to breaking down.

I walked to the door and just hovered there, the sound of my girlfriend's (was she still my girlfriend?) tears making me feel unstable. My legs wobbled.

"Chlo..." It took absolutely all of my effort to keep my voice at a volume loud enough for her to hear, "...Chloe, what did I do...?" Her door wasn't locked. If I had the balls I would have gone right in and demanded an explanation for her reaction, but I could barely speak, let alone move. Her sobbing was the only response I got.

"Chlo, please. I... I don't get it." I felt awful. Should I feel guilty? Should I even be apologizing? For being honest?

My attention was diverted by the sound of their front door opening. I looked over my shoulder weakly to see Aubrey with a paper bag in her hand. I didn't know where she had gone in barely ten minutes, but she was back, and I wasn't sure how to feel about that. Her eyes immediately went to me and she raised an eyebrow. I prepared to be bombarded by insults and to be kicked out - since I _had _made Chloe cry, and she didn't know the context of what had happened beforehand.

"What did you do to her now?" Aubrey questioned angrily, quickly walking towards me, her official looking heels clacking against the floor.

I wasn't sure how to respond, so I simply shrugged very slightly, barely even moving my shoulders. The blonde was not at all satisfied with my answer, making it clear by putting her hands on her hips and intensifying her glare.

"You made her cry _again. _You're really good at that, you know." Her tone was so accusing, like I had just murdered her mother or something.

"You know what I did?" I asked her, my voice breaking on the first and last words. I could tell that I had her utmost attention, "I told her that I loved her. And she burst into tears and ran away. _Again._" I dug one of my hands into my hair, feeling very flustered, "Sorry, all I do is mess things up I guess."

Aubrey's expression had changed once I explained myself. Her eyes moved from Chloe's closed door - where the sobs were still being heard through - to me. We stood there in silence for a few minutes, each passing second making my eyes sting even more with tears, until the blonde finally grabbed my wrist and tugged me out of earshot.

"Okay, look," Aubrey seemed uneasy, "You didn't do anything wrong. Chloe's had some... complicated relationships before this one. Most of them were one-night stand type of things that she regrets _a lot_ and only one of them was a long-lasting one, with Tom. But he dumped her and it was really bad, all because she said she loved him..." She trailed off, like she expected me to fill in the blanks. All it did was confuse me even more.

"I still don't get it..."

Aubrey sighed a bit in irritation, "I may be wrong, but this is the most likely thing I can think of. She's probably just scared that you'll break up with her or something if she says that she loves you back. Her breakup with Tom was... _really _bad."

All she was doing was giving me more things to be confused about, when I thought she would explain things, "How bad..? What happened?" I wondered if I was making things uncomfortable for Aubrey in some way. Either way I didn't care all that much. I needed to know if I planned on fixing things with Chloe.

"She..." Aubrey looked away from me and she started blinking at a faster pace. I couldn't tell if her eyes were glossy or not, but I could tell that she was definitely reluctant, "...she got really sad. It was even at the same time we lost at the semi-finals, and when she got her nodes removed. And she liked you, but you were chasing after Jesse. There just weren't that many things going for her."

She was unintentionally being vague, "Really sad like how...?" I had an idea. But I didn't want to believe it.

Aubrey looked at me like I was an idiot, and what she was trying to say should be obvious, "Really sad like... you know... serious. She... takes medication for it now. Pills. And she had a few therapy sessions. Beca... she tried to..." She wiped at her eye with her thumb. I didn't see any sign of tears in her eyes. But I had an awful feeling that I knew what she was implying. It seemed like it was extremely difficult for her to talk about. If I was correct, I needed to see Chloe at that _exact _moment.

"Wait do you mean that... she..." My mind starting conjuring up a dozen different images, each one worse than the last. I felt a tear roll down my cheek. Aubrey didn't look too stable at that moment either.

"Yeah..." Aubrey definitely wanted to avoid discussing this in depth, "...she did."

"No... no no no." I bit at my thumb's cuticle, a nervous habit of mine, feeling so terrible I could barely function. My head kept shaking back and forth and I couldn't control it, my denial too thick.

"I was really happy when you two got together. It pulled her out of it a bit. She's fine now. Or at least I thought so..." She rubbed at her eye with a tightly clenched fist, "...go see her. I..." She walked away slightly, "...I don't want her to be alone when she's this upset."

Those words were more than enough to make me head straight to Chloe's door. It wasn't locked. And that conversation with Aubrey gave me enough balls to throw it open, and slam it shut once I got inside. The loud noise was enough to jostle Chloe from her fit of sobbing into the pillow on her bed. She stared at me as if afraid I was going to start screaming at her. Part of me wanted to, just to snap her out of it. My concern was more than overwhelming.

"Chloe please, please just listen to me," Her tears were so loud I wasn't sure if she could hear me, "_Please!" _

The sudden increase of my volume startled her and she sat up on her bed, her eyes wide and still emitting tears that ran down her cheeks. I walked to the foot of the bed, finding it miraculous that I hadn't started sobbing yet.

"I love _you. _You're the best person I've ever met in my entire life and I wouldn't trade you for anything in the world! I-I know that you've had some tough shit to deal with a while ago and I _so _wish I had been able to help you during that, but right now I have you. And I'm not going to let you go anytime soon. It's okay if you can't say it back, but I want it to be very clear, that _I. Love. You._" I stepped around to the side of her bed to be closer to her.

Her fiery curls were disheveled and I had never seen her look so vulnerable in my time knowing her. She looked surprised at my rant, but I couldn't tell if it was because she hadn't expected me to say that aloud or if she hadn't thought any of that was true. She scooted towards me a bit.

"Beca..." Her lip was quivering. She had slightly stopped crying during my raving but it looked like she was going to start up again. I couldn't bare to see her break down again.

"Please Chlo, don't cry..." I sat down on her bed, not all that close to her. I had a feeling she didn't want any physical contact.

But apparently I was wrong, because right as she let out a single, shaking sob, she lunged at me, hugging me tightly as soon as she made contact. I didn't hesitate at all to hug her back, holding her like her life depended on it, and that if I let her go she would leave. My chest ached. She sounded so broken. I felt awful. For her, and on my own accord.

"Beca..." She held onto me tighter. I felt more tears streaming down my cheeks, it was just too hard to keep them back, "...I love you too."


	8. Eavesdropping

**I really miss this fandom, guys. I love you all! 3 I'm excited for where this story is going and I hope you all like it. Reviews with feedback are always really encouraging, by the way ;)**

I stayed at Chloe and Aubrey's that night, not willing to ever leave. Chloe cried for what felt like forever but I didn't lose patience as I comforted her. If it made her feel better, I would take all the time in the world. After what Aubrey had told me I never wanted to let this sad redhead out of my sight. At one point during the night, there was a knock on the door, and Aubrey poked her head inside the room.

"Hey..." Her voice was listless and quiet. Her eyes were mainly focussed on Chloe but would occasionally flit to our interlocked hands, "...Chlo, can I talk to you for a sec?"

Chloe looked at me for a moment as if asking approval, which confused me. Aubrey was her best friend, why wouldn't she be allowed to talk to her? Did she think I would get mad or something? Not letting these thoughts get the best of me I just nodded at her with a smile, watching as she released her soft hold on my hand rather reluctantly before following her friend out of the bedroom. Aubrey closed it behind them.

I was sitting cross-legged on Chloe's bed, I had spent some time in it before. My fingers twiddled with each other as I examined the contents of the room. I had never actually looked around, being too enthralled by Chloe's sexual advances or just being too Beca-like to care about stuff so seemingly insignificant. But as my eyes moved around the walls and scanned the surface of her dresser, I so wished I had examined this stuff sooner.

Chloe had always been absolutely adorable. If I thought she was cute now, the sight of her as a little girl with her fiery red pigtails and her big wide smile almost made me have a stroke of cuteness. There was a picture of her throwing a graduation cap into the air, most likely after high school. The photos of she and Aubrey were the most abundant, and if you looked at all of them it was like you had just lived their lives alongside them. I hadn't even noticed, but I was standing up now, walking around the perimeter of the room, looking at every picture I saw. Chloe's parents looked like her, they both had red hair and amazingly blue eyes. They also had the biggest smiles on their faces. In every picture I had with my family, we weren't that close or happy looking. Not at all.

It was only when I got to her dresser and noticed a small bottle, slightly concealed behind one of the propped up picture frames. My curiosity overpowered my hesitance to snooping and I cautiously picked it up, examining the labels. My heart shattered at the mere sight of the word "anti-depressants" and I frantically placed it back in its spot as if it was toxic. Chloe, _my _Chloe, had to take these to maintain her peppy mood. I bit my lower lip, worry consuming me. I wanted to hug her again, just to know she was still here and that she wasn't going anywhere while she was in my arms.

Time had gotten away from me while I looked around, but those two must have been out there for a while. I tapped my foot, slightly impatient, before finally creeping to the door and opening it up a very very small crack. Eavesdropping was one of my many skills.

Aubrey and Chlo were standing as far away from her bedroom as they could get, in the kitchen. Chloe had her arms crossed and both of them looked way more serious than they usually did when they were together. I thought Aubrey was going to cheer her up or something, maybe even diss me, but the poor blonde looked like she was on the verge of tears. And Chlo was avoiding eye contact. I had never seen those two look so tense around one another. I strained to hear what they were saying, abruptly feeling as if I _needed _to know.

"I just don't know if this is the best idea..." Aubrey said cautiously, I had a feeling she was afraid of Chloe's reaction although I still hadn't heard the rest of this conversation.

"You should really stop worrying so much, Aub," Although her expression showed confidence her voice didn't match it, "She's already helped a lot just by _being _here." I smiled.

"You've spent the last week and a half crying over her, and now you just let her back in without a second thought?" Aubrey was keeping her voice a bit more quiet than Chloe was. Maybe she was afraid of being overheard. Well, that fear was justified, "It seems a bit... shaky."

Chloe pinched at the bridge of her nose as if in thought. What did she have to think about? Wasn't she confident of our relationship? I bit my lip instinctively, clenching my fists in preparation for her answer, "You let _me _worry about _my _girlfriend." Wow. That sounded cold. I hadn't expected that, and apparently neither had Aubrey.

"I-I wasn't..." She shook her head back and forth. I was too far away to tell for sure, but I had a feeling she was really close to crying, "...Chloe I want what's best for you. And I'm just not sure if Beca is..." She trailed off, her voice breaking on the last word.

"Don't even say it, Aubrey. You're making this really hard..." I could sense her discomfort but I didn't understand it. In my eyes Aubrey was just expressing her concern, though I personally believed that concern was misplaced I doubted I would be able to change her opinion on me.

Aubrey placed a hand over her mouth lightly, turning away from her friend and taking a few deep breaths. She was definitely coming apart at the seams, "I was _so _scared, Chloe..." I watched as my girlfriend's expression changed at those words, "...I thought..." The distraught blonde turned around and walked a bit closer, "...Chlo I thought I had lost you." I wasn't too surprised when she started crying. Honestly I had expected her to break down sooner.

Chloe, being the sincere person she was, immediately wrapped Aubrey in her arms. The two friends held onto each other like lifelines, Chloe's eyes were tightly shut but I didn't think she was crying. I abruptly felt like I was intruding for the first time since I had started observing this conversation. My eyes moved away from them for a moment, but they returned when I heard Aubrey say something I couldn't quite understand.

Chloe abruptly stepped away from her friend, a strange expression on her face that I couldn't decipher. The two weren't that far apart and they just stared at one another. With each creeping second I felt more and more intrusive and, well, creepy. Right when I was about to back up into Chloe's room and shut the door, something happened that kept me rooted to the spot.

Aubrey closed the small space between them and kissed her. She was kissing _my _girlfriend. And Chloe wasn't doing anything in protest, or at least it didn't seem like it. An involuntary gasp left me as my eyes began to pool with tears, unable to comprehend what I was witnessing. Aubrey and Chloe?! Since when?! Why did it seem so normal to them, why hadn't Chloe told me about it, why hadn't I _assumed _something was up?!

_Because you trust her with your life. You didn't think she would hide anything from you for a million years. _I took a few steps back instinctively, but I could still see them. I could still see them _kissing. _Jealousy, betrayal, distrust, and so many other awful emotions that were bad enough on their own all hit me like a freight train at the same time. I felt weak, like I was about to fall over.

But then Chloe emphatically pushed Aubrey away, the blonde's cheeks flushing with embarrassment as she tried to catch her breath. I took a step closer to the door, absolutely engrossed in this conversation, argument, thing.

"Aub..." The nickname sounded different all of the sudden, "..._Aubrey..._" The way she said that was so icy I felt a chill go up my spine. I had never seen Aubrey look so helpless before, and I honestly wasn't sure how to respond to that, "...what are you doing? I'm with Beca." I smiled again. It was almost like I smiled everytime she mentioned our relationship or even said my name.

Aubrey was clearly very flustered and jarred by Chloe's rejection, "That didn't stop you before."

Okay, _that _was enough to bring me so dangerously close to tears I had to place a hand over my mouth just to keep any sounds back as I shook where I stood, knees unstable, not trusting myself to stand. I sunk to the floor quietly, making contact with the carpet with a soft thud that wasn't heard by the two outside.

If anything Chloe seemed indifferent to what Aubrey had just said. It was only when I saw her cheeks light up with a blush and watched her cross her arms - something she always did when she wasn't sure of what to say - that I knew whatever had happened must have been some kind of mistake misinterpreted by Aubrey .Or at least that was what I kept telling myself. I wasn't sure if I could cope with any alternative.

"It's different now." Was all that the redhead said. Clearly she wanted this argument to be over with. I found myself eying her lips, suddenly feeling very protective and wanting to go out there and kiss her, but I remained where I was despite everything that told me to either stop eavesdropping or to go out there and confront them.

"Really? How?" Aubrey sounded anything but convinced.

"I..." Chloe fiddled with one of her curls, not looking at her best friend in any way, "...I love her." Again, a wide grin spread across my face despite all of the emotional turmoil my heart was enduring at that moment. Hearing her say that was just the most uplifting thing I had ever experienced.

Aubrey seemed unfazed, "But you've said you loved me a million times!"

"Yeah, in a _friend _way." Okay, I admit, Chloe could have said that in a nicer way. The conversation was already unpleasant enough, but her tone was just acidic. I watched Aubrey's reaction very closely.

The blonde stood, swaying a bit. I wondered if she was going to faint, or vomit maybe, but when she started to blink quickly again I knew she was just going to start crying. Now the two had locked eyes. Again, I felt very intrusive, but I also felt that I had already heard too much and if I listened in a little longer no harm would be done.

"Fine. Go back to her, then." Aubrey turned away and walked quickly to her room, Chloe following her at a distance, looking distraught and regretful at the way she had handled that.

"Aubrey wait-"

"-why?" They had left my sight, and if I tried to look at them they might see me. So I could only listen. The signature clacking of Aubrey's heels made me aware that she was still proceeding to either her bedroom door, or the front door. I wasn't sure if I prefered the former or the latter.

"I don't want to leave this on such a bad note-"

"Well too fucking late." The sound of a door slamming was so loud it made me jump out of my skin. Chloe would be returning in a few seconds. I quickly closed the door, careful that it didn't make much noise, and jumped back into bed.

I buried myself beneath the covers, my back turned to the door, waiting patiently for Chloe to walk in. It took a while. For a few minutes I wondered if she had gone after Aubrey or something, or if their argument continued in another area I couldn't eavesdrop, but the sound of the door opening shattered those possibilities.

Light, dainty footsteps made their way the bed and I felt her lay down on the other side, crawling beneath the covers. When I felt her arms snake around my waist and pull me flush against her, I smiled at the feeling of her chest against my back, feeling safe and reassured that no matter what had happened before, our relationship was intact. I could talk about the Aubrey thing another time. But right then, I just let myself pretend to be oblivious. As Chloe gently kissed my cheek, I knew that there was no way I was ever going to break up with this girl.

So I just had to pray she didn't break up with me.


End file.
